have been keeping me company lately, and I figured I could share what has been simmering in my head -if only to shed some light inside my overactive cranium. Fortunately, I happen to be on familiar grounds.
Every now and then, I begin questioning my reasons for doing whatever it is I happen to be doing, the strategies supporting my choices regarding this doing -if there are any, and the validity of whatever goals I am supposedly pursuing. Which brings us to the subject of writing...
Writing and I seem to have been keeping quite a complicated arrangement. It's as if ours is a one-way affair, with me doing all of the work to keep the relationship alive -at least that is how if feels.
What I am trying to say is that there have been instances when I asked myself, "is this really worth it?" Which isn't a good question if one tends to be on the realistic side of positions.
Anyway, writing is most of the time, difficult, picky, unruly, uncooperative... Yet, I am unable to let go, no matter how much, I think: "Enough is enough. This is it. I cannot go on living like this. Life is too short. What am I doing here? Shouldn't I be enjoying myself? Doing instead of sitting and thinking and editing and reviewing and correcting and revising and hating... I am getting fat. I don't have a social life. What's the point anyway?." And on, and on, and on, until I am so exhausted I simply end up collapsing.
"Why not stop then?" might you ask. Well, it isn't that simple actually, or maybe it is simple. I love writing. I cannot see myself not writing, as that would be against my very nature, which by the way and if you haven't noticed already, is highly skeptical of everything, even itself. So, I will go on struggling, despite the frustration, the uncertainty, the fear that it might not be worth much in the end. I will believe that I can, rather than can't. Most of all, I will do this from the heart -And who cares about rationality -really?
This said, I have to inform everyone that I am about to begin working on the second novel, and maybe the fourth, which means that I will become a bit of a recluse. Please forgive me if I am less social than usual, but a story cannot be written superficially. It is all or nothing, otherwise, what comes out is just rubbish -in my case at least.
Otherwise, my yoga environment is changing, and I am a bit uncomfortable with the direction towards which things are heading. So, I'm be looking for a space to do something different than what I am involved with right now.
My aim is to teach three classes of a dynamic flow style, including Pranayama, per week to a group of five to eight dedicated practitioners. I am also looking for the possibility to offer a free, or at least low cost, class to the community in general. This free class will be dedicated to Universal Peace and will include some time for a silent meditation aimed toward Peace.
Finally, I just wanted to say that this post was extremely difficult to write. There were little people throwing Lego pieces on a vinyl floor, some employee, with too many jingly bracelets, wiping too many tables... Yet, here we are, and I couldn't be any happier or more satisfied.
Be well and, if you can, do your best and don't worry about the rest.
A worrier -every now and then
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