We learn to appreciate, always too late though. Perhaps, someday soon, the grass will cease to look greener elsewhere. Until then, I continue to evade my own failure at finding fulfillment. Perhaps, I am fearful of giving in. Perhaps, I am simply too selfish to face responsibility without a hint of regard to what price I'll have to pay? Selfish, I feel, although I am not. Not really, at least not beneath the surface. Yet, I choose to label myself negatively, see the muck before the light, even when I know too well that judgment and critique of one's character should be left to those who know one best.
Every encounter, every interaction is a window through which light can be shed on what's hidden beneath the surface of our masquerading personalities -forgive the redundancy, for every personality is inherently a product of what is true but concealed and what is censored to please and appease before it is put in display.
At this juncture, you might be wondering what I am rambling about; and I am with you, for in all honesty, I, too, am unsure about the destination of this little composition, which seems to be much affected by a rather serious case of withdrawal from the Beloved.
For only with the Beloved can I be totally true, and only by being totally, unwaveringly true can I really be with the Beloved.
Alas, and much like my people before me, whomever they might be, and I ain't going there, the subject being too murky and complex to be tackled in a single post, let alone a single paragraph... Thus, and as I was hinting, conforming to the norms of my folks from the time of wise and real-good-at-borrowing-said-wisdom Maimonides, I am my worst enemy. This it seems is our blood curse, and if it is proof you require, well, what more proof could I offer you than what I am about to confide in you...
You see, I was there. I was right where I should be, where I'd been destined to be. Oh, please, do not be deterred by a word as innocent, and yet, as potently obscure as destined. Destiny, didn't you ever believe such an outlandish concept could actually have its due place in the lexicon that makes our whole universe make complete sense, while goes around and around... No? Well, I have hopes, or at least, I've always prided myself on being rather a naive fellow with quite the romantic inclination... So, please bear with me, and let that destiny stuff slide.
So, and as I was saying, I was there. In my own personal Nirvana, and if not, well it may have just been called that. The beloved was holding me not too long ago. The beloved was breathing love into my life, embracing me despite my shortcomings, despite the sum total of every imperfection that makes the dreamy child I once was into the fool I've managed the become. And its embrace was rapturous, its company blissful.
Yet, I departed, unsure of the how, unsure of the why. Thing is... the wind had been howling for too long, and I foolishly, and out of habit, surrendered to its call. And here I am now, lost beneath the stars from millions of years ago, and even before that.
Beloved, how I long for your closeness. Beloved, how I yearn for you.
Be well, and continue to meet life whole-heartedly and without a smidgen of hesitation or doubt.
Lost, a storm within, ditto without
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