Too much heat. Too much humidity. Otherwise, the midwest is often a world of sky-tearing storms. Beneath, I tend to feel incomplete, riddled with empty spaces. There is heaviness within, as mine is a fertile ground for the negative. Boredom has settled in, and books continue to fail me in undoing this curse.
A while ago, I was elsewhere -Asia. But, I was also in Madison, caught between the opposing polarities of where I physically was and where my heart still lingered. Tension made for busyness, made for liveliness, as I navigated through unknown and uncharted environments. India aimed to challenge, or perhaps, it was I who wasn't ready for what millions of gurus and tenfold as many devotees had to offer. Whichever the case, In Asia, there seldom was room or time to indulge in boredom.
Today, in Wisconsin's capital, Madison, I stand at a crossroad, unable to decide which way I should go, starring into the distance, as if lost in a state of helpless stupor. Meanwhile, life goes, music, concerts, fairs, and more bike paths than I might want to explore. Children are playing in the parks, amidst flower-patterned dresses blown by a warm wind, in a world of white doves, bouncing bunnies, active chipmunks, and dancing butterflies, all of it moving to the symphony of a hundred chirping birds, and the whisperings of a thousand trees.
Life is beautiful. Yet, I fail to connect. I hope these words remind you that beyond personal human anguish, beauty is awaiting.
Be merry, if you dare.
At the crossroads, unable to choose
4 comments:
Karim, reading books is consumption, a flow in. It needs to be compensated with some kind of flow out. 2 yoga classes a week might not be enough. If writing does not go now, probably some kind of service? What about Madison public library? Running a writing workshop? Organizing a reading group? People need some direction in their reading! Just volunteering (helping to shelve the books)? What about a free yoga class in some Madison park? In the evening when working people are back home? What helped me in the past was working with kids. At first you feel eaten, you feel your energy is just dispersed, but then after awhile there is this sudden (and somehow always unexpected) response and unconditional love that raises your spirit for years! Good luck, grand Karin! I hope you start writing again soon!
Breathe! Sit and focus on your precious breath and allow yourself to come to the present. It will release the happiness that is inside you, then smile!
Thank you Zhenya, The suggestions are great and most honorable. However, there are times when one needs to follows one's darkness and get deeper into what is truly behind the heaviness that one feels. Undoubtedly, participation in life can bring healing. If anything, it is a source good karma. Then again, it might just be another distraction, from meeting one's ugly side face to face. In my writing as in my dealing with life, I've always move from the lows of deep heaviness to the highs of lightness and joy. After all, I think, (but then again, what do I know,) life is all about dualities, dualities that tear us apart, dualities that hold us together, dualities that make us whole, and dualities that allow us to expand. Growth happens. But, gestation is part of the process. Thank you for your positive input. I truly appreciate it. Be well, and stay in touch.
From where I stand, a cloudy, muggy and alien space -for now.
Hi Carol, Thank you for the reminder. Meanwhile, I slipped, fell and busted my lip, even got a few stitches. So, I'm trying not to laugh too hard, or talk too much. Breathing is definitely a good option right now.
Take good care, and as our good friend Zhenya points out in her comment, we are not alone. So let us join hands and be bigger than we could ever be alone. Unless, one prefers keeping one's distance from the crowds, which is also a very valid option.
Sending warm thoughts your way
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